ten commandments: 
The Goddess of the Rant gives her list of social media do’s and don’ts

By Lisa Houserman
Contributor
Woman Newspapers

Social media is an area of cyberspace in which people can bond, encourage one another and take part in the ups and downs of everyday life. It is also an area where some people take great pleasure in spewing forth garbage they would NEVER utter in a public setting.

I think everyone is familiar with Facebook so I shall stick with that form of social media for this piece. As the self-proclaimed Goddess of the Rant, I present my ten commandments of proper Facebook behavior. Warning: I will be making up words and using thee, thy, thine, etc., etc., inappropriately. Plus, I won’t be consistent with said usage.

I. Thou shalt not make false claims concerning blessings. Thou shalt not be blessed simply by sharing a picture and typing the word “amen.” This is demeaning to all gods and goddesses.

II. Thou shalt not posteth anything of a divisive nature on the wall of another for the sole purpose of causing social media unrest. The Goddess of the Rant demands that any kind of controversial materials be placed in the private message area. If thou receives permission from the owner of the wall, then thou may disregardeth this command.

III. Thou shalt not photograph and post a picture of thy breakfast, lunch and/or dinner. I am a chubby cherub of a goddess and I can not taketh the temptation. It is permissible, however, to shareth photographs of adult beverages.

IV. Thou shalt not, under any circumstances shareth images of animals in any stage of horrid abuse. The same rule applies to children. This is thoroughly unacceptable and will not be tolerated by the Goddess of the Rant. I command you to stop it right now.

V. Thou shall attempt to utilize proper grammar. Please learneth the appropriate usage of the following words in order to be taken seriously: They’re, their, there, your, you’re, an, and, saw, seen, doesn’t and don’t. This is just a small sampleth.

VI. Thou shall taketh the time to carry out a smidgen of research before posting. For example, anything written by Glenn Beck shall be investigated and factchecked before thou shareth it with unsuspecting readers.

VII. Thou shalt not partially quoteth the framers of the United States Constitution in order to have their words conform to thy belief system, political views, deep feelings of righteousness or to promoteth thy own agenda.

VIII. Thou shall continue to posteth charming pictures of family, babies, newborn cattle, frisky kittens, bouncy baby puppies, precious peacocks and anything of a cheerful and uplifting nature. The Goddess of the Rant looks kindly upon such things.

IX. Thou shall learn the art of ignoring offensive posts rather than jumping in with your opinioneth. The Goddess of the Rant understands this might conflict with commandment number four.

X. Thou shall be kind. This commandment can stand alone, if needeth be. If thou art tempted to utilize ad hominem attacks, do so in the above-mentioned private message area. Even if thou art a troll, do so with love in thy soul. I speaketh from experience as I am, afterall, the Goddess of the Rant and possesseth troll-like powers. If thou must be troll-like, inserting a smiley face always helps when thou art attempting to be humorous.

Thy Goddess hath spoken. :)